bEYE@ (bio)

I experienced birth, abandonment, adoption, and love in the first few months of life. Now… did I know I was being abandoned? No. But did she have the same heartbeat that I memorized for the last 9 months? No.

This couple purchased me at that time and I was exchanged in an office. “You got the cash”? “Yeah… you got the goods”?. I pretend it went something like that, and I was highly valuable and costed millions of dollars. Is that real? Nope. It helps.

The couple I refer to are my parents. Mom and dad, grandparents to my children. In-laws to my husband. They’re my world.

I was raised in Manitowoc. Yes that’s the one. Please no hate mail? It’s not classy and frankly I don’t appreciate hate. Hate is weird… it causes more pain to the person whose so hateful. Their mind gets consumed by it… I mean if you want that for your life, but then have a funeral because you stop living.

Moving on… I grew up as an only child in the 90’s. Every meme you see regarding 90’s kids- usually spot on. I had a Furbey, Beanie Babies, dolls, bikes, and a neighborhood of kids. Streets would get closed down for block parties and our parents would get trashed. It was the best. At age 14 I started to “date”.

He was nice at first but as time went on he became verbally and physically abusive. I block it out. I cut for a while…I thought for the longest time it was for attention but the more I grew older the more I realized I was trying to make him feel bad for me. Maybe if he felt bad, then he’d treat me better. And if he didn’t maybe someone else would notice. The perception of the two of us was way off. I had girls tell me constantly they wish they had the same relationship him and I did. I mean, it was only “off” because I was an actress, a good one. I don’t remember much about those years. Mostly because I don’t try too.

I went to college, worked at a high school which was awesome! I worked with kids who were known as “at risk”. I wonder if my mentor program was correctly funded. Like, did the school say wow- good investment or did they say what a waste? I got kicked out of that when I got kicked out of college.

I took a job as a call taker. One time it was fun, I talked to this lady for 45 minutes about her fun life in California. They didn’t want me to quit… they begged me to stay but I had to go home. I had a new boyfriend there.

Then I had kids. He became (is -was just blind to it) an alcoholic. He’d leave to go out to the bars after I’d be done throwing up from “night sickness”. I let that go on until they were a year old. I became a 911 dispatcher. I wanted to get off of state aid and they paid really well, oh and bonus… no degree needed. I studied my ass off, passed and got the job. That was the second time I had cried in my entire life from being happy.

I worked that for 5 years… you don’t become well versed in emergency dispatch until your 4th year so I’d say I had a solid 1 year under my belt…patch…windbreaker. Yes, we had uniforms, I #lovehate uniforms. They don’t fit everyone the same yet with having ADD it’s one less thing I had to think about. I wore the exact same outfit every day. Washed …maybe but exactly the same. Dark blue windbreaker with a white t-shirt underneath, black pants, black shoes and whatever socks I could find. I worked 3rd shift so I usually slept an hour before going in and typically wouldn’t turn my light on to get dressed. An extra step “ain’t nobody got time fo dat” -meme world.

I developed relationships with people I never thought I would. They were like family? They accepted me and they helped me better myself, my life and if it wasn’t for them, I probably wouldn’t even be married.

I’m married, have 3 kids, and a husband who gets on my fucking nerves because I get on his. And if there’s anything you take away from “The Point” is that when you have ADHD your soul is loud. You know what you want and you get what you want because our determined ability is fire that ignites with every drop of creativity. You can’t put it out and you won’t….

Theres just one problem, because there’s always a problem.

If it wasn’t for having to be double certified as an EMT, my husband would be a firefighter.